Thread: Worst (corny) jokes you've ever heard...

I'm a big fan of horrifically corny jokes, so thought I'd see if there were any out there to add to my repertoire. Here's some of my personal favorites:

Q: How does a cat let it's owner know it's in pain?
A: It says ME-OW!

I went to the butcher's yesterday, and bet him fifty dollars that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are just too high.'

A guy walks into a restaurant carrying jumper cables. The hostess says to him, 'you can come in, but don't start anything!'

When you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.

The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He got that big from too much pi.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

A dog hobbles into a saloon with a bandaged leg, and growls, 'Am lookin fer the man that done shot ma paw...'

Enjoy Hope to hear some good ones!

The very worst? Hang on:

PMS jokes just are not funny. Period.





(sorry)

Did you hear about the guy thay hit by a milk truck? He got creamed.

Did you hear there going to stop making round hay bails? They say that cow's aren't getting a square meal.

Two guy's walk into a bar, the third one ducks.

What do you get when you cross Frosty the Snowman with Count Dracula? FROSTBITE!

I walked into the Pony to get a cup of Barlimon's finest. As I was walking to my table, I bumped into a table and spilled my ale all over this dwarf. He stood up, and looked at me and said, "I am not happy", to which I replied, "Oh really, which one are you then?"

And the fight was on!

Sorry sonny, I can't ear you.

AMEX:CORN‹(•¿•)›/CORN

(Man, that was a long time ago... Happy Father's Day!)

Q. Why is Peter Pan always flying around in the air?
A. He never, never lands.

Q. Why did the hipster burn his tongue?
A. He ate his dinner before it was cool.

A photon checks into a hotel. The bellboy asks if it needs any help with its luggage. The photon replies, "No thanks. I'm traveling light."

A zookeeper is dismayed to find that the dolphins are ill. He calls every veterinarian he knows, but none can help his animals. In desperation, he tries a witch doctor, who tells him that he can not only cure the dolphins, but make them live forever. To do this, the zookeeper must venture deep into the jungle to retrieve a rare bird. Well, after a long, treacherous trek, the zookeeper spots the bird that will save his dolphins. However, his path is blocked by two sleeping lions. He takes a deep breath, tiptoes over the lions, grabs the bird, and tiptoes back. But the second he does, he's arrested. Y'know what he was charged with?

Transporting a mynah across staid lions for immortal porpoises!

-I once heard this joke that was so, soo bad that it kept bullying smaller, younger jokes.

-A neutron is about to commit suicide because he isn't happy. A proton hears about this a sneers: "*sigh* they are just so negative"

-On a physicist's convention a wanted poster has been plastered all over the place. The poster reads:

WANTED

( a picture of a cat)

Schrodinger's Cat

Wanted dead and/or alive

A dyslexic walks into a bra

Originally Posted by micrathene

a photon checks into a hotel. The bellboy asks if it needs any help with its luggage. The photon replies, "no thanks. I'm traveling light."

!

rofl lmao!!!

Why does Beyoncé sing: "To the left, to the left!"?

Because women have no rights xD

Hm, these aren't the jokes I tend to remember (not in English anyway) but I got one:

What do you do with a dead chemist?
Barium.

Kommt ne Frau beim Arzt.

What's orange and sounds just like a parrot? A carrot!

How many Meglamaniacs does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One to hold it and let the world revolve around him.

How many Emo kids does it take to change a light bulb? Nevermind. He seems to prefer the dark.

If a fireman names one of his twin boys Jose, what should he name the other? Hose B.

How was the Milky Way created? The cow jumped over the moon!

Glenda the Good Witch was wandering Oz one day and she came upon a poor frog whose member had turned yellow from too much sun exposure. He said, "O Glenda, I know you a good ol' witch an can help me. I was lyin out in the sun an my pecka turned all yellow. Van you help me? Pleeeeze?" "No," she said. "You must go and find the kindly old Wizard. He will help." So the frog hopped off to find the Wizard. Just then a girl named Dorothy, a cowardly Lion, a Scarecrow and a Tin Man came along. They had so many concerns that she repeated the advice she'd given the frog. Go and see the Wizard! "But," said Dorothy, "However does one find a Wizard?"

"Well," Glenda the Good Witch replied, "That is easy, my child. Just follow the Yellow D*ck Toad!"

What do you call a cow with three legs?

Lean beef.


What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.


What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a pool?

Bob.


Three guys walk into a bar. You'd think one of them would have seen it.



An Irishman walks out of a bar.

Did you hear about the guy who had is left side blown off in an industrial accident? He's all right now.

Two ants were running as fast as they could across an unopened bag of cookies. One ant said to the other, "Why are we running so fast?" The other ant said, "Can’t you read? The bag says, 'TEAR ACROSS DOTTED LINE.'"

Bob takes his poor bulldog to the vet..... (he thinks it may be dead). He asks the vet "Doc... is he.... dead??" The vet takes a moment to examine the dog and walks quietly into the back room. A moment later he returns with this beautiful golden retriever. The retriever gets on the examination table an sniffs about Bobs bulldog. The veterinarian nods knowingly "mmm hmm, yep...." Bob looks on intently. Before he could ask, the vet wisks the dog out of the room and returns with a little tabby cat!?! Again, the cat gets on the table a walks around Bobs poor bulldog. Again the doctor nods and quickly leaves the room. When he returns he looks over to Bob and with a soft gentle demeanor says, "I am sorry Bob, I am afraid your bulldog is indeed dead." Bob bursts into tears as the doctor comforts him and slips the bill into Bobs hands as he is ushured to the front desk for payment. bob looks down at the bill and forgetting his distress shouts "$485 DOLLARS, TO TELL ME MY DOG IS DEAD!??!!!". Confused the doctor takes the bill and looks. Wearing a quick smile he says,"Ah yes, well of course! It's $200 for the lab work, and $285 for the cat scan!"

It was a bit drawn out, but i hope the punchline wasn't worth it!

What do you get if you cross an Agnostic, a Dyslexic, and an Insomniac?
Someone who stays awake all night, wondering if there really is a Dog!

Why did the hobbit take a ladder to the Bird & Baby?
He heard the food was "On the house".

What did The Lone Ranger sing on his way to the Land Fill?
To-the-dump To-the-dump To-the-dump-dump-dump (to the tune of the Lone Ranger theme)

What did The Pink Panther sing when his mother's sister died?
Dead-Aunt Dead-Aunt Dead-Aunt Dead-Aunt Dead-Aunt Dead-Auuuwuuunt (to the tune of the Pink Panther theme)

A guy walks into a Dwarven restaurant and sits down.

The waiter, a Dwarf, asks him, "Would you like to see the menu sir?"

The fellow replies yes. The waiter immediately produces a battle axe and, with a mighty bellow, cuts the guy's table in two.

The bloke jumps up and cries "What the heck was that for?" The Dwarf shouts back at him "Baruk Khazad! Khazad ai menu!"

A giant taco walks into a bar, the bartender looks up and immediately says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve food here."

(This works anyway you want it to)
Q: What's the difference between an elf and a dwarf?
A: One's a brave stalwart defender of Middle Earth, the other's a Dwarf.

• Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
  
• Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
  
• Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.
  
• What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen in France? Linoleum blownapart.
• What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?... Anyone Can Roast Beef!
• What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroids
• What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't work? A Stick.
• Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers.
• How Are A Texas Tornado And A Hillbilly Divorce The Same? Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.....

OMG these go on forever......

Let's not stop at jokes though

Helpful hints ...
• If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a jug of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
• Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away!
• Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.
• An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes a wonderful, inexpensive vibrator.
• Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the toilet seat by simply pissing in the sink.
• High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
• A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
• If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.



Definitions you may not know:

• Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
• Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.
• Bernadette: The act of torching your mortgage.
• Burglarize: What a crook sees with.
• Control: A short, ugly inmate.
• Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
• Eclipse: What an English barber does for a living.
• Eyedropper: A clumsy ophthalmologist.
• Heroes: What a guy in a canoe does.
• Left Bank: What a robber did when his bag was full of loot.
• Misty: How golfers create divots.
• Parasites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
• Pharmacists: A helper on the farm.
• Polarize: What penguins see with.
• Primate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
• Relief: What trees do each spring.
• Rubberneck: What you can do to relax your wife.
• Seamstress: Describes 250 pounds in a size 6.
• Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does.
• Subdued: A guy that works on submarines.

Originally Posted by Unique

• How Are A Texas Tornado And A Hillbilly Divorce The Same? Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.....

OMG!!!!!

Whats green & red, and goes 100mph.....? A frog in a blender!

Top 10 Best Lord of the Rings Jokes:

#10
How did the hobbit ruin the boxing match?

He tried to destroy the ring!

#9

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Hobbit.
Hobbit who?
Hobbit letting me in?

#8

What did the drunken hobbit say when he bumped into the wizard?

Saruman, I didn’t see you there!

#7

Why did Frodo read The Lord of the Rings 50 times?

Because it was hobbit-forming!

#6

How many quarters does it take to play the new Lord of the Rings pinball game?

None -- it only takes Tolkiens!

#5

What is Gollum's favorite bird?

A Smea-gull!

#4

What do the hobbits secretly call Gandalf when he drinks too much ale?

The White Whizzer!

#3

What did Pippen do when he got drunk?

He began to feel Merry!

#2

Why was it so hard to storm Sauron's lair?

Because no matter how many you opened, there were always Mor dor!

#1

What did Frodo say when he saw the trees dancing?

"That’s ENT-ertainment!"